Let's not play ball tonight, France

Is it a Eurovision song or is it a football song? Oh, wait, it's both. Welcome to France.

The Eurovision story of France is just one long ballad. Or is it really? People tend to praise France's participation in ESC based on all the nice French ballads they know. But looking closer, what do they see? While Celine Dion sold her soul to Switzerland, most of the other ones decided to be a part of moneymoneyland Monacco or the country we miss most in the whole Eurovision world, Luxembourg. France got stuck with the honor and all kinds of funny stuff, like Jesus looking for the milky way and some funny blokes in Gaultier. Not really a success any of those, that must be admitted. What was a greater success was the bird song in 1977, and the ethno cultural beginning of the 90s. Mind you, we are somewhat divided in our opinion on the woman trying to convince us she's black while being Obama brown. Well, at least Serge Gainsbourg helped her get the message through.

This year France is discovering their ethnic connection again. Guess they were all a bit lazy over there, as the French just decided to send their football song to Oslo. Good for the parties, since Jessy Matador is one hot piece of ass bringing along some fine ladies, but not so good for our heads. Because although we will be happy to shake our hips a little after all those lazy ballads, we are just so tired of the music half way through we can't even listen to the lovely voices that comes along with it. And that's well done for a song that lasts less than three minutes. It also makes us wonder whether there actually is such a thing as a particular Eurovision genre. In that case, France is far from it this year.

Love the man, hate the beatbox, could be the conclusion. We can't imagine this being very popular outside the very west of Europe. And you've got to admit it, that's where the voting powers are.

How hard is it really? Part 1, in which we declare our love for Alexander Stenerud

My hard is yours. That’s the grand message from Norway this year. But how hard is it really? Follow us as we check out some of the hottest men of Eurovision and give you our hard verdict.  

So, you figured our Norwegian hearts belonged to Didrik? Think again. Here’s Alexander Stenerud. In Norway he has introduced himself in MGP, the Norwegian national pre selection rounds for ESC, during the past three years, with great success.

"I don’t think I will participate another time" Alexander Stenerud declares over lunch beneath the spire of the Oslo cathedral. It breaks our hearts, as he has been one of our favorites during all of his three contributions so far. Although we do understand his wish to focus on other great projects, like his synth pop band Zuma bringing joy to our radio ever so often, we still don’t picture anything better suited for Eurovision extravaganza than his upbeat pop pearls reminding us of Norway’s largest success since Ibsen, A-ha. Let’s just hope he is playing hard to get.

Developed from 2008
How is it like to participate several years in a row? "I think I developed much from the first time", Alexander answers.  "Always Always was somewhat anonymous, and I didn’t get that part of being charming on TV – I looked arrogant. After that, I’ve worked with communication, charisma and smiling to the camera. I realized that I could actually smile while on stage, and show everyone how much fun it was". Smiling at everything is something we can easily picture Alexander doing as we meet his deep brown gaze across our salads. We did find his cockiness in 2008 kinda hot, but yeah, Mr. Charming in 2009’s Find my girl and 2010’s Give it to me probably made more televoters reach for their cell phones. Unfortunately it was not enough to take down the young loverboys Norway tends to cheer for. Please, Norwegian housewives, come to your senses and find your Man.

Speaking of Eurovision quality, music is the single most important factor for Alexander. He writes both the music and lyrics himself, being inspired by Paul McCartney, Prince and crooners like Andy Williams. Still, he agrees with us that style and performance is essential to succeed in this contest. He has ignored hints at dressing less conservative and is very particular about his appearance. That shows in his sharp suits, paired up with glitterati ties and the coolest shoes on this planet. In fact, Alexander is one of those artists that have managed to bring his own style to Eurovision instead of being trapped in someone else’s costume party. "The shoes are authentic Chelsea boots", he reveals. "They were popular in the 60s’ Swinging London and worn by The Beatles. I used to buy them at Angels Speed Equipment, but they don’t sell them anymore". Lucky for Alexander, Internet does, but big thumbs up from us for shopping in Oslo’s coolest store.

Not really a Eurovision fan
Despite almost having become a regular in the Norwegian MGP over the past years, Alexander doesn´t really care that much for Eurovision. "You´re probably more experts with Eurovision history than I am", he says pointing at us. We blush slightly over this compliment, but manage to put him on the spot and ask him to give us some of his all time favorite entries. "I was more into Eurovision when I was a kid, and think many of the entries from the 70´s and 80´s were great. Like Ein Bißchen Frieden with Nicole. I also love Nocturne from 95, which in my opinion is a real classic" he tells us.

Good pick by Alexander, who is really everything you would want from a man. He is so nice and down to earth while also behaving like a gentleman and a natural born star, making the waitress stumble with words while taking his order and fellow restaurant guests turn in strange chair positions to try and catch a phrase or two. We’re happy to have met him, and can’t help but wishing just a little bit that he was our man when Europe came to town.

Our hard verdict
If Napoleon surrendered at Waterloo, we surrender here. This is hard stuff. We will not accept Alexander being the runner up anymore.

Plus for retro chic tight suits, sharp hairdos and cool shoes, for agreeing with us regarding Netherland’s horrible ESC entry this year and for being such a gentleman. Minus for not really loving Eurovision and for having a salad for lunch, which is a bit soft, but mind you – we did recommend the salads at this place and he did choose the one containing meat. So yes, we could easily give it to him.

The only reason why Alexander Stenerud won’t win our Mr. Eurovision pageant 2010 is that he’s not actually running in the finals. But watch out for him at the parties during the ESC weeks in Oslo. He has revealed that he will be performing, and one should always, always take the opportunity to see him live on stage.  Lastly we do hope Europe can have a real share of him next year. Pretty please, Alexander, don’t let us down!

Weather report from Bosnia & Herzegovina

Bosnia & Herzegovina has given us lots of unforgettable Eurovision moments. It´s surreal to think back on their debut 17 years ago, when the Bosnian delegation barely made it out of Sarajevo on their way to Millstreet in Ireland. Since then BH has always been a strong contender to watch out for and we love Hari Mata Hari´s Lejla from 2006. Last year´s Bistro Voda with Regina made us love BH even more, and we were super excited about what they would bring to Oslo.

Ok, what´s the deal with all these guys from Balkan trying to sound like Eros Ramazotti? It´s just ridiculous, please stop! We´re disappointed to say the least, how is it possible to select such a boring, plain, bleak and unappealing song? Did we forget to mention boring? Half way trough we´re all like, please, just be done with it and put us out of our misery.

We are trying really hard to come up with something positive to mention here, but this number is not even funny. Perhaps apart from the fact that the song´s title is "Thunder and Lightning". It should have been called "Overcast With Light, Slightly Annoying, Rain Showers", or something.

If this travesty makes it trough to the final we will blame it solely on patriotic block voting.

Nice try from Spain

Spain decided to bring us something tiny this year.

Participating since 1961, Spain has had different approaches to the Eurovision Song Contest. They won with both La, la, la in 68 and Vivo cantando in 69, both lovely songs by lovely women in terrific clothing. But since then, they haven't really been close. Julio Inglesias wore way too blue clothing being way too melodramatic while some weird gang only came second with Eres tu. Spain struggled, and sent both crazy banjo players, sassy señoritas in Tango mood, and even Las Ketchup ordering Bloody Marys. Can't say that worked. What did work for us, however, was  being totally wacko in 83, doing super 80s disco in 86 and celebrating Europe in 2002. Still, nothing has reached the very top of the podium.

This year hot musical star Daniel Diges is bringing us something tiny. Being surrounded by oversized toy figures on stage, we can't help but wondering if he represents the tiny part, but we do love the song's traditional Spanish feel. It is sensitive and intense with a promise of something good. Still, when the whoaoaoo starts to completely dominate, it is everything but good. Guess the best parts in the end is the tight pants, wild curls and strong voice of the singer - in that order. A nice touch is also this music video made as an homage to Danish writer  H C Andersen's story of the tin soldier. Now that can only melt our hearts as much as Daniel's bright smile.

You've got to realize that it's small things that makes this burn, Spain. Nothing but another nice try from you. Again.

Retro Sunday: UK 1976

Every Sunday we will give you some of our favorite old entries to cheer you up a little extra and make you miss the glorious old days. Today it's a classic from United Kingdom:



Save All Your Kisses From Me by Brotherhood of Man. We just love their shiny happy faces, adroable moves and perfect 70s outfits. They love us and we love them and nothing could ever be anything else than peace and love. Of course we'll save them at least most of our kisses <3

Two steps forward, one step back

In ESC, Portugal is pretty much known for one thing only, for participating like a million times without winning the competition. In fact, they have not even come close! In 1996 Lúcia Moniz reached sixth place, with one of our all time favorite Portuguese entries. Ukulele can never be wrong in our opinion, especially when the instrument seems to be glued on to Lúcia´s frock! Kudos to the Portuguese for always singing in their own language, and of course for their stamina and for never giving up on us.

So will Europe finally understand Portugal and award them with a top 5 or podium finish? It didn´t start out very well this year when the jury overruled the public votes in the Festival da Canção and chose Filipa Azevedo and her buffed up power ballad over Catarina Pereira´s up beat latino number. Yeah, probably a mistake in terms of achieving a decent result in Oslo, but lets face it, Catarina can´t sing. At least she struggles with the singing while trying to cope with a rather intricate dance routine. Filipa on the other hand, can definitely sing, but we´re starting to overdose on little Miss Perfect 18 year old girls by now, and we miss some... substance. It´s amazing what a lived life and being born before 1990 can add to an otherwise plain number. Hey, from this perspective, we´re even starting to reconsider our views on Ireland´s entry this year!

We find it rather amusing that the piano guy vanishes into thin air half way trough Filipa´s performance, where he´s off to is something we need to investigate in Oslo. Is he too bored to finish the song, or is he simply underpaid and has agreed to take some time off? The misplaced wind machine is also a bit funny. Besides this we rate the entertainment value as quite low.

Portugal was really on to something with great entries both in 2008 and 2009. This is two steps forward, one step back.

Party Swedes - welcome!

Get ready for Eurovision's sweetest disappearance act! Here comes Sweden.

Forgetting about the annoying opera chick that couldn't keep her secret last year, Sweden has a long and shiny history in Eurovision. Considering all the noisy, self conscious, trashy Swedes that tend to overpopulate Oslo's restaurants, shops and bars, it is actually amazing how much we love Sweden when it comes to this contest. Guess all the great folks stay at home. There is Ola Salo and the rest of the glam rockers in The Ark, the ABBA people, Lill Lindfors, Lill-Babs, Kikki Danielson, Charlotte Nilsson/Charlotte Perelli and their likings. No one knows how to party like them and no one knows how to make a better Eurovision performance. And then of course there is the queen of wind machines Carola - she has after all delivered some of the best performances ever with Främling and Fångad av en stormvind. Too bad she went all wacko, but we choose to leave that story out of Eurovision and just never invite her back again.

This year's Anna Bergendahl is probably one of the cutest contestants with her blond curls, intense eyes, blushy cheeks and sweet dress quirkily paired with a pair of red converse. We like the bluegrassy feel of this song and her deep voice. We did like the fact that she played an acoustic guitar too, but hey, where does it go after the first verse? We haven't got a clue, but can't wait to see this happening live. Disappearing guitars are after all more rare than disappearing skirts at these parties. Anyways, we think Anna has a great voice, but the song is probably a little bit too boring and repetitive to reach the highest scores. Being a Swedish diva has been proven to work before, though.

One of the most famous graffiti tags in Oslo is a message telling all Party Swedes to go home. We, however, wish you welcome - because we know you have some good people for us, and we can't wait to meet them.

Romania is back in the game!

Romania was on to something in ESC a few years back, making top 5 two years in a row with "Let Me Try" and "Tornerò" in 2005 and 2006. And we thank them for bringing the Italian language back into Eurovision, we so wish that Italy would return to the competition, but that´s a completely different story. Since then Romania seem to have lost their way a bit, but this year they´re back with a vengeance!

For us Norwegians there´s so many countries to cheer for this year, and Romania is one of them because of Ovi, the Rumanian/Norwegian guy from the paradise beaches of Jæren, on the southwestern tip of Norway. Surfs up! Ovi has joined forces with the fab Paula Seling and what a team they make. This pair will set Telenor Arena on fire with their sassy bloke vs chick duel, and we love the double black ´n white grand pianos. Whatever you do Ovi and Paula, please keep these grand pianos for your performance in Oslo!

Hurray for Romania, and welcome to the final!

Outside the box from Estonia

Estonia is considered to be the sixth Nordic country and in ESC it´s an honor to be in the same company as this Baltic state. With the exception of a couple of wrong turns the last few years they have consistently delivered strong performances, beating the Swedes in giving us the best schlagers (mind you with Swedish girl power in the lead role, like Sahlene and Sandra Oxenryd) and being the best exponent for the sleek, clean and cool nordic sound. While Norway has rambled away with wannabe latino pop and noisy glam rock, Estonia has given us music like clear water from the glacier, sounding like the rugged, hostile landscapes up north and the legends of the Ultima Thule. Big clichés, but we like it!

This year´s entry is another brave choice from the Estonians. Perhaps the most non-ESC like contribution this year and this probably means a make or brake. We honestly think that Europe won´t get this, which is sad, cause it´s dreamy, poetic, quirky, different and modern. The vocalist´s voice is crystal clear and it´s reassuring to know that this will work live. But the performance is kinda lame, hopefully they will work on that part. And something should be done with the scenography, warm colours are all wrong for this song we think.

Thumbs up for daring to give us something different Estonia!

The end is really, really near

OMG, who DID kill Kenny?

Let’s just be clear: Power ballads were a thing in the 90s. Even back then they were just our excuse to make out with silly boys down at the youth club. We are somewhat happy that Ukraine decided to cut the Phil Collins they first decided to go for, but to bring in Alannah Myles instead?? Not sure we get the idea.

Ukraine should be able to come up with something better. They’ve had Shady Ladies and Wild Dances and the most fantastic of them all, Verka Serduchka - everything so much more fun than the grumpy lady that will enter the stage this year. She sings like a girl in high school performing with the local band, trying to look very moved while the wind literally tries to blow dry her hair. Oh, so the end is near? Have to say we do believe you in this specific context. No further comment.

Only one plus here - we do love her dress. Reminding us of something Norwegian Fairytale designer Leila Hafzi could have made, it's actually one of the nicest frocks we have seen in this year's Eurovision pre selection round so far. Guess any blondehead could have worn it, though. 

Please figure out who killed the Ukrainian show, quit yelling and bring the brain back.

Dream on Malta!

The tiny island state Malta is big in Eurovision, we almost can´t believe they´ve never actually won! They have come pretty close a couple of times, and only the most horrible trouser suit in history stood between Malta and their long anticipated victory back in 2002.

It´s with good reason we have high expectations to what Malta will bring this year, and wow, there´s Liza Minelli on stage, splendid! Or is it Chiara who lost a few pounds and cut her hair? We can´t really tell, and after a while we´re far more concerned about trying to warn Liza/Chiara or whatever about the, eh... poultry creature behind her. That thing looks nasty!

It´s such a shame that Malta can´t manage to send something better than this. This is after all one of the countries that takes Eurovision very seriously, something we of course support and appreciate. This year they had 20 entries in their national selection final and still they end up with... this? It makes us wonder about the televoters in Malta. It surely must be a bunch of retired people, because the song they have selected can only be summed up in one word. Yawn!

We refuse to give up on you Malta! Fingers crossed for next year, too bad the ESC final won´t be in Valetta in 2011 either!

Let Balkan entertain you!

Finally - a group of people that will only make you gay. This is Balkan!

Balkan has a great Eurovision history of bringing the entertainment. From Serbia we've had greatness from Mako Kon last year and the quiet lesbo in 2007, who strangely enough also was kinda entertaining. Not bad for a country in it's fifth year of participation. And is there more yet to come!

You just have to smile from the first glance of lead singer Milan Stankovic.He just looks so strange and cool and sweet and beautiful and happy that we want him to be the most honored guest at every party from here to eternity. The music fits him perfectly. First you think it is a little bit too weird, too much of a circus, too much of a clash of styles. But then it stops and you just want to watch it all over again. And again. And again. In fact you are so hooked on it you just ask yourself how much alcohol was really in the milk you had for breakfast. Just add fantastic dancers that remind you of Rybak's Frikar, and happiness is fulfilled. Oh, what joy that someone puts on their national costumes and do the real show with rapping and singing and crazy dancing and Balkan orchestras and bending of the knees while looking as happy as Sesame Street Big Bird on speed. It only makes us gay in any sense of the word.

This is Balkan. And we love you, Balkan. We just do. Let's go all go to bed and stay there.

Vote for Didrik as next top model!

Wiwibloggs has a real fun poll going on called "Who is Eurovision's next top male model 2010?" - a poll right up our alley. But let us just be a little bit patriotic.

The webpage has posted pictures - both in a male and a female post - of the participants and asks us to tell them who's the next top model. But seriously, people, don't let the man behind one of the worst entries this year be the winner! Poland's Marcin Mroziński is kinda hot in pics, we do admit that, but once you watch him sing his opera horribilis, you would never think so again. Hello, where is Didrik Solli-Tangen?

So help us vote for Didrik as the next top model. He is far better than Poland. So is Israel, btw. And if in doubt, here's another pic to help you settle:

Existentialism is the new black

Latvia’s journey trough Eurovision history has been a rocky road. In a decade they have given us everything from a winning act in 2002 to the most appalling rubbish with their pirates back in 2008. We don’t care much about Marie N’s latino flirt, but wouldn’t mind flirting with Renārs Kaupers from Brainstorm or the cutiepies Walters and Kazha, some of our all time ESC favorites!

This year Latvia has decided to shed some light on the big questions in life. The kind of questions you ask yourself when you wake up on New Year’s Day with a huge hammer inside your head and ski jumping from Garmisch-Partenkirchen on the telly in the background. Nothing can feel more meaningless than to watch Poland’s second best ski jumper reach 112.5 meters on a day like that. So does it really make more sense to watch Aisha on stage with her crew doing the laundry? In our opinion yes! You see, we kind of have a thing for artists who manage to take domestic chores to a higher level. Bosnia Herzegovina did the same on stage in 2008 and we can hardly wait to see someone doing the dishes or showing us some decent hoovering. Apparently, Aisha has announced that there will be changes to the performance before Oslo so we can only hope for something spectacular, the suspense is killing us!

Will Latvia reach the final this year? How should we know, ask Mr. God!

Come party with us at Club Latter!

Today, Good Evening, Europe!! has the pleasure of launching some great news! We have hooked up with Club Latter in Oslo to throw the most glamourous and fun party during Eurovision week and you´re invited! So Dear Reader, come join us and get yourself ready for a night of ESC extravaganza on Wednesday 26th of May!

Of course nothing sounds better to us than partying in the most fabulous club at Aker Brygge in Oslo - a house dedicated to champagne, glamour and classy company. We can hardly wait to share the fantastic programme for the night with you, but we will keep it a secret just a tiny tad longer.

Just save the date already and stay tuned on our blog. And in case you are still in doubt - book a ticket for Oslo in May, dig up your finest feathers, your LBD or sharpest suit, and be prepared to say Good Evening to Europe in the most glamorous way possible!

Different strokes for different folks

Moldova introduced themselves to the ESC universe in 2005 with a drumming grandma, and it was love at first sight. Why on earth do we not see more psychedelic, ska funk rock in this competition, we wonder! Since then the Moldovans have been trough an impressive variety of music genres and most importantly given valuable contributions when it comes to costumes and props. They have shown up on stage in bikinis, bridal gowns and thorn up garbage bags, with mohawks, body paint, teddy bears and outfits in the gross color combination orange/purple. You just gotta love it!

This year is no exception, Moldova do not disappoint us. There´s so much action on stage during this number that we could have sworn to have seen at least 50 people there! The lead singer, Olia Tira, shows up in a "skirt" that would probably make even Lady Gaga blush, and there's fiddle and saxophone playing going on like there's no tomorrow. Throw in a couple of b-boys of a rather dubious quality, rotating stage components and a tam-tam gong and you got yourself a smorgosbord to feast on into the wee hours. After scrambling around in an ocean of sulky ballads for quite a while now, this is our party island!

We end up feeling a bit dizzy over the whole shabang, but this is after all one of the symptoms of having sunstroke. Note to self, bring sunscreen and a glamorous sombrero to Telenor Arena, and we should be fine, we recon!

Hot stuff of Israel

Now who would have thought Israelis are the new hotties of this world?

Israel always makes it a little bit hard to silence our political minds in this game. Needless to say, we do not digg their somewhat party pooping government, and their participation did made our young minds geographically confused back in the days. No wonder they have been willing to give us some strong contestants.

Viva la Diva Dana International forever and Amen to being dressed in hippie clothing and singing Hallelujahs in the late 70s. Pushing the button and being ethnochic a la the 80s also worked. Really, there is enough good Eurovision stuff to kill all other tension.

This year's entry makes no exception. Harel Skaat is probably one of our very own Didrik Solli-Tangen's hardest contenders in winning the votes of the UHDE - United Desperate Housewives of Europe. He is even among the hottest guys of Eurovision ever, we'd say, with his relaxed suit, sharp face and intense brown eyes. Just lose the weird necklace and learn the twinkling of eyes from Didrik, and he has us right where he wants. The song is a nice and sweet ballad, and we do like that he sings in Hebrew, but maybe it is a little bit too nice and forgettable. We do also miss some more variety throughout the number.

Still, though, we will for sure enjoy watching Harel in Telenor Arena. We even hope he reaches the final - if only for the chance to enjoy a sight for sore eyes as much as possible <3

Ik ben versmurfed

Seriously? Like, seriously Netherlands??? The clocks have ringed ding-a-dong more than a couple of times since 1975, but this seems to have gone unnoticed in Tulip Town. The Dutch used to rule in Eurovision during it´s early ages but that was then and this is now and since their last victory in the 70´s they have absolutely nothing to show for. Nada, rien, niente, niets, ingenting!

It makes you wonder why they even bother to participate, surely it must be better to be spared the humiliation. It´s just outright embarrassing to watch poor Sieneke on stage. She looks completely lost in the fairground and judging by her singing she has taken a ride on the merry go round at least a couple of times too many. Whoever came up with the bright idea of asking Vader "Smurf Song" Abraham to write the Dutch entry should seriously be sacked. Perhaps you need to smoke something to dig this shit?

It´s like the Dutch are in the process of refining the recipe for failure to perfection. We thought rock bottom had been reached by far with the granddads last year, but somehow they manage to top The Toppers, this year´s entry is even worse!

Seriously Netherlands, take a long, hard look at yourselves. To smurf or not to smurf, that´s the question. The answer is no.

Baku 2011?

The Land of Fire has lit up the ESC world with flames and fireworks since their debut two years ago. The Angel vs Devil act from 2008 is so kitschy and so over the top that you just gotta love it. And when AySel and Arash exclaimed their love from a mountain high last year we were on fire! What is not so charming is Azerbaijan´s ongoing conflict with Armenia which has led to accusations of blurring out the phone number during the broadcasting of Armenia´s performance last year, to prevent Azerbaijani votes, and the alleged interrogations of the poor souls (43 of them!), who still managed to vote for the Armenian entry! Accusations of bribing students in Belarus to vote for Azerbaijan with both Belarusian and Lithuanian SIM-cards is yet another story. It makes you wonder what it would be like if the Azerbaijanis were to host the ESC final, and this might very well happen next year!

Safura has been chosen to represent the Land of Fire with the mid tempo ballad "Drip Drop". This song lacks the distinctive features which made "Always On My Mind" so irresistible, but it´s modern and up to date, the sort of material Rihanna would kill for. How successful it will be, depends a lot on young Safura´s performance. Surely it will collect buckets of votes from all over Europe, but enough to take the victory home to Baku?

Our feelings towards Azerbaijan are very ambivalent. Yay to colourful, irresistible acts on stage, nay to cheating, which is not only stupid, but completely unnecessary when their country´s entries speaks so loudly for themselves.

Oh, sweet horror of Russia

We have one confession that is easy to make – we truly have a thing for hot, Eastern European men. That’s why we are so deadly disappointed with Russia this year.

It is the country that gave us Dima Bilan. You know, that amazing young thing that never never wanted to let us go in 2006 and believed he could do it all while being surrounded by an ice dancer in 2008 - with a fantastic rerun as an angel in Russia 2009. He surely did do us all, and we loved him oh so very much.

Yes, Dima made us believe in Russia like no one before him. Female equivalents Ta:tu and Serebro didn’t hurt either. But this year’s entry? It hurts more than the morning after two bottles of Stoli. What on earth was going through the Russians’ mind when decided to send a Pavarotti wannabe in his most horrible shirt who hasn’t cut his hair or shaved or done anything to his eyebrows of horror for a decade along with a bass player from the worst of the 80’s, a player of the unmentionable brass instrument and a trashy guitar player who even decides to start talking at some point there? The same bottles of Stoli times two, we’d say. At least the guitar player has the right question: What are you doing, man?

This is beyond pompous. It is a song not worthy of the great nation of Tsars and Faberge eggs. It made us feel sorry for Dima and our own Alexander Rybak who actually had to give this guy a diploma. We so wish Peter Nalitch really was lost and forgotten. We wish we were able to forget about him. We even wanted to support Reagan in outlawing Russia for a while there. But then we remembered Dima.

So please, Dima, Lord of Mercy, come back and take us out of this misery. Because we want the Russian stud again. And we know you can give it to us.

Please, take it back

Ireland’s achievements in this competition is beyond compare. No country is even close to matching their seven victories, including three consecutive victories in the 90’s, and numerous podium finishes since their debut in 1965. But since the turn of the millennium it has gone downhill with the Irish, and they literally hit rock bottom when finishing last in the final in 2007, followed by Dustin the Turkey the year after. Eire had officially lost it completely.

Can Irish ESC greatness ever be restored? Or will they forever be out conquered by Eastern European block voting? Well, instead of trying to come up with something new and make a real effort to adjust to the contemporary format of the competition, they dig up their old recipe for success from the 90’s. Bad idea. Niamh Kavanagh is in our opinion one of the worst winners in history. The winner from 1993 represents the tastelessness of that decade which makes us cringe and wish it never actually happened. What on earth were we thinking back then? OK, at least it gives us a good laugh.

Niamh’s 2010 entry is however not a laughing matter, it just makes us sad. The song is boring and completely outdated and her outfit is absolutely ghastly. If she keeps this dress in Oslo, she will at least win one award, The Barbara Dex Award, which ironically enough was established the same year as Niamh won in Millstreet.

So Niamh, thank you for giving this song to us. We know you mean it well. But please, take it back. And return to the 90´s where you belong.

It's our kind of funk!

Finally Lithuania defines their eastbound position in the ESC. It's the Eastern European kind of funk, baby!

Lithuania have really delievered some horrible power ballads and Eurotrash pop since they started participating in 1994, but they did also give us fun stuff like "We are the winners" and "Happy You", so we never gave up hoping for better days yet to come.

And boy, did the better day come. If you don't love five hunky men in tight, checkered pants doing their partydance, you are just not made for Eurovision. This is all we need in Telenor Arena: Someone to dance with, sing along with and drool over at the same time. It's catchy, funny and crazy. Playing the kazoo and bright colored instruments while claiming to like it rough is an excellent idea.

So be it that they are not really in sync with their moves or singing. They change from pants to disco hotpants for Christ's sake! This is the Chippendales and the Village People of Eastern Europe. And it is the Eastern European kind of funk. Yay! Why didn't anyone teach us that before?

FYRomantic guy from Macedonia

The Macedonians seem to take ESC rather seriously, and we suppose it’s a nice opportunity to celebrate and display their national identity. Because of the name dispute with the Greek, we have to call them FYR Macedonia, needless to say that FYROM has not received many points from their Greek neighbours since their debut in 1998. Still, with a little help from their friends, they have managed to qualify for the final every year, but was twice unlucky in 2008 and 2009 after having finished 10th in the televoting, when the jury gave their wildcards to Sweden and Finland.

We find ourselves being a little indifferent towards FYR Macedonia’s entry this year. It's not good, it's not bad, there's just nothing there to really catch our attention. If this is what the Macedonians want to share with Europe, we simply think that we don’t share the same taste in music. To us it sounds outdated, and quite frankly like a bit of a mess. Within less than 3 minutes we get a pale Macedonian version of Bruce Springsteen or Eros Ramazotti (can't quite make up our minds), mixed with some ridiculously bad rapping and a horrible puddle rock guitar solo. What’s that all about? We just don’t get it.

Perhaps this is the kind of music that really catches on in more southern parts of Europe, perhaps you will hear Gjoko’s voice on the radio in a bar in Split or Ljubljana during your summer holiday this year. Perhaps you will grow to like it then, in a different setting, listening to it with a different mindset.

At the end of the day we must admit that we understand why the jury has kicked the Macedonians out of the final twice, in favour of our Nordic neighbours. We do however predict that it will not happen again for the third time this year. This year’s entry will not even come close to finishing among the 10 qualifiers in semi-final 1.

Georgia on our minds

In the ESC world, Georgia is perhaps up until now best known for being banned from participating in Moscow last year with the disco influenced floor banger ”We Don’t Wanna Put In”. Who said this competition isn’t about politics? The country is still a ESC rookie, but has shown that they master the format and we warmly welcome them. Hopefully they will continue to surprise us with original songs and remarkable stage performances like the black morphed into white moment with ”Peace Will Come”, legendary!

After last year’s controversy Georgia is playing it safe this year with Georgian rose Sofia Nizharadze, and even tough we kind of understand why, we must admit that we’re a little disappointed. The song is one of the better ballads in the field, written by fellow Norwegian Hanne Sørvaag who’s also behind Norway’s “My Heart Is Yours”, and Sofia seems to be a talented and professional artist. It all looks very neat in the promo video, but we question Sofia’s ability to recreate this live on stage. We’re afraid it will turn out a little boring and forgettable and that Georgia this year will be outshone by many of their competitors.

But hey, Sofia, go head and prove us wrong!

DJ, please take me away…. from this!

It’s pretty clear to us that we have a hard time understanding whatever the Bulgarians are up to in this competition. The ethnic drums in 2007 were kinda cool, and kudos for the brave reggae mash-up the year after, even tough it didn’t really work live on stage. But their tendency to choose pompous, self absorbed and over pretentious men/women with crappy songs we really can’t get our head around, and this year they’ve done it again!

Dear Bulgaria, here’s a piece of advise for you. Maybe you should consider putting more work into Miro’s performance than his hairdo? Unless there’s something seriously wrong with his legs it would be nice to at least see him standing up. It just looks completely ridiculous not being bothered to get his ass off that bar stool, did he order one too many from the bar that night or what? We suppose that this is something that will be corrected, or should we say erected, before his performance in Oslo. And while you’re at it, please wipe the smug look off his face, and give the man some decent lyrics, oooooooooooooo ooooooooooo ooooooooooo constitutes like 70 % of the song? Wtf? That is, if this Miro is even capable of learning the lyrics by heart, cause half trough his performance it looks like he needs to take a sneak peak at the text to be able to go on singing. Hello, anybody home?

Give us a break Bulgaria, and come back with something better next year!

Your hard is ours

In Norway, we are still very high on ESC life after crushing all competitors thoroughly with our new national hero Alexander Rybak last year. Charming young guy really worked, so we are trying the same recipe again this year - with his buddy.

This year's entry is more of a classical ballad, and could have been sung by just about any country. Still, it is simple and down to earth, and that could work sometimes. There are sufficiently enough modulations and bridges. And the text is adorable. We mean, “You are like a sunset behind a mountain somewhere”? Didrik does his thing really well, being an aspiring opera singer and all. His smile is the one that can melt every desperate housewife’s (and quite a few housemen’s) heart and we do like his black’n white jacket and flirty eyes. It keeps us from wondering too much about whether he sings about his love or his dick (after all he is rehearsing pronunciation for the big final).

Yes, the setting is ESC worthy. One just have to love the smoke in the beginning and the fireworks in the end, as sent from heaven and perhaps going to hell. Oh Didrik, we will cherish your heart either way. We will be by your side and we will be charmed by you from here to eternity. Give us your smile and we’ll accept the cheesy parts. Because your hard is ours and we’ll take very good care of it.