Retro Sunday: Russia 2003

Really there should have been a lot of reasons not to like Russia back in 2003. There is techno rhythm and screaming and a keyboardist on speed. It's just that from the first few seconds when TaTu screams Hey! we're already kinda charmed:



These are some funky Russian chicks. We do love their quirky hairdos and filthy jeans, their cocky attitude and their schoolgirl charm. Although we're not sure they actually know they are on a Eurovision stage, not just rehearsing in front of the mirror. But these girls really can do and did do everything. Oh, if we only were young like them again.

So let the Russians scream. They sure can do it in style.

How hard could it have been? Part 1: Russia, Greece, Serbia and Spain

So did you think we'd shut up about the second chance contenders? Oh no, not us. Here's our ruthless reviews:

The entry from Russia is the breathless Antonello Carozza. We think the song Senza Respiro suits the current situation in Moscow pretty darn well, but apart from that, what does it suit exactly? Safe to say all things Italian make GEE girls pop, but this is a bit too much of the language in one blow. We keep wondering when the fellow is gonna catch his breath and actually sing. That part is kinda nice, but we only really enjoy Carozza's flirty glance and how he makes us miss Italy (not Russia) in Eurovision. Hop back on your carriage, man.

Since Eurovision, the record Giorgos Alkaios gave us has been spinning at every party. Guess no one could have beaten the Opa! in the Greek final, but couldn't they at least have maxed the envelope? The boring piano, stiff moves and whiny look of Giorgos Karadimos just makes us bored out of our senses. Would have been much cooler to see the cuties of Melisses getting a second chance than this robocop.

We did love Milan this year, but we have to say Emina Jahović helps him keep Serbia on the Eurovision throne. She perhaps should have picked up a few clothing hints from her male challenge, but she sure can swing her hips. And swinging your hips is hard not to do to at this Easter European festa. We applaud the sentence "love is moussaka", feel like smashing a few plates and go all sh sh sh and ding dong ding dong from now on. Please give us more of this, Serbia. Plenty more. And can someone please tell us if maca really means pussy? In that case there's extra points for vulgarism.

Despite our despise of bagpipes, Coral from Spain also deserves some attention. She is a pretty lady singing a pretty song that follows all the Eurovision rules. Kinda Rocky Jr 2 and a bit to much screaming towards the end, but still good. It sure is a weird thing Daniel was the one to catch the Jimmy Jump award, but maybe just as well?

Two fine ladies and two not so fine men here, then. We'll give you more later, but our favorite this far is without doubt the reds:

Barbara Dex Award; Moldova and Russia

There are plenty of guys deserving a decent bashing in this year's ESC as well! Let's start with Moldova. And forget about the female tin foil cupcake. We didn't exactly expect Chişinău to be the fashion capitol of Europe, but to get reacquainted with the vest our old uncle John donated to aid Romanian orphans years ago, we did not see that one coming. We suppose it found its way to an overpriced ultra hip vintage shop in the above mentioned capitol somehow. As mentioned earlier, we praise Moldova for giving us valuable and hilarious contributions when it comes to costumes and props on stage, so it's nice to see that this tradition is being kept alive.

There is just so much material here, starting with the bloke in the front. Blimey...










Russian Peter Nalitch just couldn't be bothered to dress up at all. He and his friends showed up in Oslo dressed as a bunch of middle aged biology teachers on a field trip. But even tired and grumpy biology teachers shave and brush their hair when going to a party. So, it would have been nice if these lads had made the slightest effort. You don't need to go berserk with sequins and feathers to look presentable, you know.

"I'm looooooking at her photo!" Look what the cat dragged in, we'd say.









Yup, we could go on and on forever. We should of course have mentioned the lovely Eva Rivas and reported her to the fashion police for severe crime against humanity with that dress over jeans combo. And the Nevermind from Denmark probably had some serious welding work cut out for him while trying to weld on Eva Rivas' artificial hair.

And our very own car mechanic Didrik, trying to convince us that he had launched a new career as an accountant with that boring suit. What happened to the white waiter jacket he wore in the national final, not good enough for him? Come to think of it we have trashed poor Didrik at so many occasions by now, we're actually starting to bore ourselves. So he's off the hook. For now.

Enough about the Barbara Dex contenders, which outfits did we actually like? Watch out for follow-up blogposts!

Whatever happened to our judgment?

Sometimes, listening to a song many times can make it better, while other times it just burns an irreplaceable hole in your head. So, after giving you our honest opinion about the entries, and then listening to them for like a million times more, has anything changed? A little for some of the entries. Here's the latest news from our changing minds, after the rehearsals have kicked off in Oslo.

Russia
We hated Russia. Kinda still do. But then we've hated it so much it has reached the level of something similar of a cult status with us. "What are you doing, man?" will certainly be a party one liner for the next couple of weeks and we will almost remember it when looking at a photo. At least this song has something quirky and funny about it, and that's more than we can say about the other boring stuff.

Cyprus
There is something about Jon Lillygreen. He is really sweet and his voice sticks with us. We think this can be a popular song in the finals. Because after all, now it's spring and everything looks a little better.

Serbia
Disappointment from here to eternity after watching Milan Stankovic's first rehearsal in Norway. The man is still glorious, but what happened to his glorious dancers? Looks like he switched two of the women for boring men. And the fantastic ethnic show gone as well? Shame, shame, shame, Serbia. You are in vain. We hope you're fooling us, and will reveal the most ethnotastic show ever in the later rehearsals to come.

Sweden
Sweden's entry is working a little bit like their H&M clothing - nice, but wears out really quickly. Anna is still lovely, the song isn't.

Estonia
We're loving the Siren of Estonia even more each day. Robin Juhkental is just so fine and dandy standing there bending his knees, moving in interesting ways and pointing his microphone everywhere. The song is a pearl that grows on you. Too bad the majority of the televoters don't have time for that.

Poland
We're so easily charmed it's embarrassing some times. Poland's happy joy joy singer running around loving his family and making video blogs is just so super charming we're actually reconsidering the song and liking it a little bit more. So much for being tough critics.

France
Oh, God. We wish we didn't like this tiring song. But there's something about it that makes us want to play it every once in a while. We need music like this from time to time. And Jessy is still lovely. Really looking forward to seeing how this works live at least.

Israel
When we reviewed this song, we thought it was a little bit too forgettable and nice. But as we are approaching the finals and taking closer and closer looks at Harel, we realize this is some fine song we will never forget. We've tested it on 2 year olds and mother-in-laws and rock stars and they all like it, so we figure it suits many and is one tough challenge for the rest of the countries this year.

Denmark
We just have to tell you: This song will always remain as horrible as the first time we heard it. For every breath you take, we will despise you even more. It's pretentious, calculating and soulless. Sorry, neighbors. You're a bore.

Oh, sweet horror of Russia

We have one confession that is easy to make – we truly have a thing for hot, Eastern European men. That’s why we are so deadly disappointed with Russia this year.

It is the country that gave us Dima Bilan. You know, that amazing young thing that never never wanted to let us go in 2006 and believed he could do it all while being surrounded by an ice dancer in 2008 - with a fantastic rerun as an angel in Russia 2009. He surely did do us all, and we loved him oh so very much.

Yes, Dima made us believe in Russia like no one before him. Female equivalents Ta:tu and Serebro didn’t hurt either. But this year’s entry? It hurts more than the morning after two bottles of Stoli. What on earth was going through the Russians’ mind when decided to send a Pavarotti wannabe in his most horrible shirt who hasn’t cut his hair or shaved or done anything to his eyebrows of horror for a decade along with a bass player from the worst of the 80’s, a player of the unmentionable brass instrument and a trashy guitar player who even decides to start talking at some point there? The same bottles of Stoli times two, we’d say. At least the guitar player has the right question: What are you doing, man?

This is beyond pompous. It is a song not worthy of the great nation of Tsars and Faberge eggs. It made us feel sorry for Dima and our own Alexander Rybak who actually had to give this guy a diploma. We so wish Peter Nalitch really was lost and forgotten. We wish we were able to forget about him. We even wanted to support Reagan in outlawing Russia for a while there. But then we remembered Dima.

So please, Dima, Lord of Mercy, come back and take us out of this misery. Because we want the Russian stud again. And we know you can give it to us.