Warning! Croatian whiny femidoms approaching Oslo

A band name that reminds you of the 90s most misplaced products, the female condom and a white rapper, plus whiny women dressed in leopard? Nope, not much to thank Croatia for.

Starting off with a group of horribly dressed people out of key in 1993, Croatia has participated 17 times in the ESC. There has been misunderstood nostalgia, quite surprising screaming, bagpipes out of order and ethnonoise. No success there. With few exceptions Croatia is really just one long journey of oh so sad and angry people. Seriously, why don't you people cheer up a little instead of drama tripping and heart breaking all the time? What good does that make? No wonder you can't find love. Only once we've almost loved you - when you brought tango to town. Thank God for old, funky men that saves the day.

But you do keep going into land of hurt and sorrow. This year's entry is yet another whiny couple of gals with yet another song of misery. According to the lyrics, these are women that are no longer themselves, that surrenders and that have torn up souls. Oh, really? That's so charming. We don't like the leopard theme they are fronting or the fact that they wear Uggs in the introduction, we don't like the weak women they are praising and we don't really like their hurt voices. Don't like them, you could say our conclusion is. They are just as unnecessary as that female condom and white rapper their name reminds us of.

Guess Croatia is at its best when you spend your vacation there. But hey, you are very welcome so we can return your hospitality. Just remember to smile, and we might just like you a little more.

Nice try from Spain

Spain decided to bring us something tiny this year.

Participating since 1961, Spain has had different approaches to the Eurovision Song Contest. They won with both La, la, la in 68 and Vivo cantando in 69, both lovely songs by lovely women in terrific clothing. But since then, they haven't really been close. Julio Inglesias wore way too blue clothing being way too melodramatic while some weird gang only came second with Eres tu. Spain struggled, and sent both crazy banjo players, sassy señoritas in Tango mood, and even Las Ketchup ordering Bloody Marys. Can't say that worked. What did work for us, however, was  being totally wacko in 83, doing super 80s disco in 86 and celebrating Europe in 2002. Still, nothing has reached the very top of the podium.

This year hot musical star Daniel Diges is bringing us something tiny. Being surrounded by oversized toy figures on stage, we can't help but wondering if he represents the tiny part, but we do love the song's traditional Spanish feel. It is sensitive and intense with a promise of something good. Still, when the whoaoaoo starts to completely dominate, it is everything but good. Guess the best parts in the end is the tight pants, wild curls and strong voice of the singer - in that order. A nice touch is also this music video made as an homage to Danish writer  H C Andersen's story of the tin soldier. Now that can only melt our hearts as much as Daniel's bright smile.

You've got to realize that it's small things that makes this burn, Spain. Nothing but another nice try from you. Again.

Two steps forward, one step back

In ESC, Portugal is pretty much known for one thing only, for participating like a million times without winning the competition. In fact, they have not even come close! In 1996 Lúcia Moniz reached sixth place, with one of our all time favorite Portuguese entries. Ukulele can never be wrong in our opinion, especially when the instrument seems to be glued on to Lúcia´s frock! Kudos to the Portuguese for always singing in their own language, and of course for their stamina and for never giving up on us.

So will Europe finally understand Portugal and award them with a top 5 or podium finish? It didn´t start out very well this year when the jury overruled the public votes in the Festival da Canção and chose Filipa Azevedo and her buffed up power ballad over Catarina Pereira´s up beat latino number. Yeah, probably a mistake in terms of achieving a decent result in Oslo, but lets face it, Catarina can´t sing. At least she struggles with the singing while trying to cope with a rather intricate dance routine. Filipa on the other hand, can definitely sing, but we´re starting to overdose on little Miss Perfect 18 year old girls by now, and we miss some... substance. It´s amazing what a lived life and being born before 1990 can add to an otherwise plain number. Hey, from this perspective, we´re even starting to reconsider our views on Ireland´s entry this year!

We find it rather amusing that the piano guy vanishes into thin air half way trough Filipa´s performance, where he´s off to is something we need to investigate in Oslo. Is he too bored to finish the song, or is he simply underpaid and has agreed to take some time off? The misplaced wind machine is also a bit funny. Besides this we rate the entertainment value as quite low.

Portugal was really on to something with great entries both in 2008 and 2009. This is two steps forward, one step back.

Party Swedes - welcome!

Get ready for Eurovision's sweetest disappearance act! Here comes Sweden.

Forgetting about the annoying opera chick that couldn't keep her secret last year, Sweden has a long and shiny history in Eurovision. Considering all the noisy, self conscious, trashy Swedes that tend to overpopulate Oslo's restaurants, shops and bars, it is actually amazing how much we love Sweden when it comes to this contest. Guess all the great folks stay at home. There is Ola Salo and the rest of the glam rockers in The Ark, the ABBA people, Lill Lindfors, Lill-Babs, Kikki Danielson, Charlotte Nilsson/Charlotte Perelli and their likings. No one knows how to party like them and no one knows how to make a better Eurovision performance. And then of course there is the queen of wind machines Carola - she has after all delivered some of the best performances ever with Främling and Fångad av en stormvind. Too bad she went all wacko, but we choose to leave that story out of Eurovision and just never invite her back again.

This year's Anna Bergendahl is probably one of the cutest contestants with her blond curls, intense eyes, blushy cheeks and sweet dress quirkily paired with a pair of red converse. We like the bluegrassy feel of this song and her deep voice. We did like the fact that she played an acoustic guitar too, but hey, where does it go after the first verse? We haven't got a clue, but can't wait to see this happening live. Disappearing guitars are after all more rare than disappearing skirts at these parties. Anyways, we think Anna has a great voice, but the song is probably a little bit too boring and repetitive to reach the highest scores. Being a Swedish diva has been proven to work before, though.

One of the most famous graffiti tags in Oslo is a message telling all Party Swedes to go home. We, however, wish you welcome - because we know you have some good people for us, and we can't wait to meet them.

The end is really, really near

OMG, who DID kill Kenny?

Let’s just be clear: Power ballads were a thing in the 90s. Even back then they were just our excuse to make out with silly boys down at the youth club. We are somewhat happy that Ukraine decided to cut the Phil Collins they first decided to go for, but to bring in Alannah Myles instead?? Not sure we get the idea.

Ukraine should be able to come up with something better. They’ve had Shady Ladies and Wild Dances and the most fantastic of them all, Verka Serduchka - everything so much more fun than the grumpy lady that will enter the stage this year. She sings like a girl in high school performing with the local band, trying to look very moved while the wind literally tries to blow dry her hair. Oh, so the end is near? Have to say we do believe you in this specific context. No further comment.

Only one plus here - we do love her dress. Reminding us of something Norwegian Fairytale designer Leila Hafzi could have made, it's actually one of the nicest frocks we have seen in this year's Eurovision pre selection round so far. Guess any blondehead could have worn it, though. 

Please figure out who killed the Ukrainian show, quit yelling and bring the brain back.

Dream on Malta!

The tiny island state Malta is big in Eurovision, we almost can´t believe they´ve never actually won! They have come pretty close a couple of times, and only the most horrible trouser suit in history stood between Malta and their long anticipated victory back in 2002.

It´s with good reason we have high expectations to what Malta will bring this year, and wow, there´s Liza Minelli on stage, splendid! Or is it Chiara who lost a few pounds and cut her hair? We can´t really tell, and after a while we´re far more concerned about trying to warn Liza/Chiara or whatever about the, eh... poultry creature behind her. That thing looks nasty!

It´s such a shame that Malta can´t manage to send something better than this. This is after all one of the countries that takes Eurovision very seriously, something we of course support and appreciate. This year they had 20 entries in their national selection final and still they end up with... this? It makes us wonder about the televoters in Malta. It surely must be a bunch of retired people, because the song they have selected can only be summed up in one word. Yawn!

We refuse to give up on you Malta! Fingers crossed for next year, too bad the ESC final won´t be in Valetta in 2011 either!

Hot stuff of Israel

Now who would have thought Israelis are the new hotties of this world?

Israel always makes it a little bit hard to silence our political minds in this game. Needless to say, we do not digg their somewhat party pooping government, and their participation did made our young minds geographically confused back in the days. No wonder they have been willing to give us some strong contestants.

Viva la Diva Dana International forever and Amen to being dressed in hippie clothing and singing Hallelujahs in the late 70s. Pushing the button and being ethnochic a la the 80s also worked. Really, there is enough good Eurovision stuff to kill all other tension.

This year's entry makes no exception. Harel Skaat is probably one of our very own Didrik Solli-Tangen's hardest contenders in winning the votes of the UHDE - United Desperate Housewives of Europe. He is even among the hottest guys of Eurovision ever, we'd say, with his relaxed suit, sharp face and intense brown eyes. Just lose the weird necklace and learn the twinkling of eyes from Didrik, and he has us right where he wants. The song is a nice and sweet ballad, and we do like that he sings in Hebrew, but maybe it is a little bit too nice and forgettable. We do also miss some more variety throughout the number.

Still, though, we will for sure enjoy watching Harel in Telenor Arena. We even hope he reaches the final - if only for the chance to enjoy a sight for sore eyes as much as possible <3

Baku 2011?

The Land of Fire has lit up the ESC world with flames and fireworks since their debut two years ago. The Angel vs Devil act from 2008 is so kitschy and so over the top that you just gotta love it. And when AySel and Arash exclaimed their love from a mountain high last year we were on fire! What is not so charming is Azerbaijan´s ongoing conflict with Armenia which has led to accusations of blurring out the phone number during the broadcasting of Armenia´s performance last year, to prevent Azerbaijani votes, and the alleged interrogations of the poor souls (43 of them!), who still managed to vote for the Armenian entry! Accusations of bribing students in Belarus to vote for Azerbaijan with both Belarusian and Lithuanian SIM-cards is yet another story. It makes you wonder what it would be like if the Azerbaijanis were to host the ESC final, and this might very well happen next year!

Safura has been chosen to represent the Land of Fire with the mid tempo ballad "Drip Drop". This song lacks the distinctive features which made "Always On My Mind" so irresistible, but it´s modern and up to date, the sort of material Rihanna would kill for. How successful it will be, depends a lot on young Safura´s performance. Surely it will collect buckets of votes from all over Europe, but enough to take the victory home to Baku?

Our feelings towards Azerbaijan are very ambivalent. Yay to colourful, irresistible acts on stage, nay to cheating, which is not only stupid, but completely unnecessary when their country´s entries speaks so loudly for themselves.

Oh, sweet horror of Russia

We have one confession that is easy to make – we truly have a thing for hot, Eastern European men. That’s why we are so deadly disappointed with Russia this year.

It is the country that gave us Dima Bilan. You know, that amazing young thing that never never wanted to let us go in 2006 and believed he could do it all while being surrounded by an ice dancer in 2008 - with a fantastic rerun as an angel in Russia 2009. He surely did do us all, and we loved him oh so very much.

Yes, Dima made us believe in Russia like no one before him. Female equivalents Ta:tu and Serebro didn’t hurt either. But this year’s entry? It hurts more than the morning after two bottles of Stoli. What on earth was going through the Russians’ mind when decided to send a Pavarotti wannabe in his most horrible shirt who hasn’t cut his hair or shaved or done anything to his eyebrows of horror for a decade along with a bass player from the worst of the 80’s, a player of the unmentionable brass instrument and a trashy guitar player who even decides to start talking at some point there? The same bottles of Stoli times two, we’d say. At least the guitar player has the right question: What are you doing, man?

This is beyond pompous. It is a song not worthy of the great nation of Tsars and Faberge eggs. It made us feel sorry for Dima and our own Alexander Rybak who actually had to give this guy a diploma. We so wish Peter Nalitch really was lost and forgotten. We wish we were able to forget about him. We even wanted to support Reagan in outlawing Russia for a while there. But then we remembered Dima.

So please, Dima, Lord of Mercy, come back and take us out of this misery. Because we want the Russian stud again. And we know you can give it to us.

Please, take it back

Ireland’s achievements in this competition is beyond compare. No country is even close to matching their seven victories, including three consecutive victories in the 90’s, and numerous podium finishes since their debut in 1965. But since the turn of the millennium it has gone downhill with the Irish, and they literally hit rock bottom when finishing last in the final in 2007, followed by Dustin the Turkey the year after. Eire had officially lost it completely.

Can Irish ESC greatness ever be restored? Or will they forever be out conquered by Eastern European block voting? Well, instead of trying to come up with something new and make a real effort to adjust to the contemporary format of the competition, they dig up their old recipe for success from the 90’s. Bad idea. Niamh Kavanagh is in our opinion one of the worst winners in history. The winner from 1993 represents the tastelessness of that decade which makes us cringe and wish it never actually happened. What on earth were we thinking back then? OK, at least it gives us a good laugh.

Niamh’s 2010 entry is however not a laughing matter, it just makes us sad. The song is boring and completely outdated and her outfit is absolutely ghastly. If she keeps this dress in Oslo, she will at least win one award, The Barbara Dex Award, which ironically enough was established the same year as Niamh won in Millstreet.

So Niamh, thank you for giving this song to us. We know you mean it well. But please, take it back. And return to the 90´s where you belong.

Georgia on our minds

In the ESC world, Georgia is perhaps up until now best known for being banned from participating in Moscow last year with the disco influenced floor banger ”We Don’t Wanna Put In”. Who said this competition isn’t about politics? The country is still a ESC rookie, but has shown that they master the format and we warmly welcome them. Hopefully they will continue to surprise us with original songs and remarkable stage performances like the black morphed into white moment with ”Peace Will Come”, legendary!

After last year’s controversy Georgia is playing it safe this year with Georgian rose Sofia Nizharadze, and even tough we kind of understand why, we must admit that we’re a little disappointed. The song is one of the better ballads in the field, written by fellow Norwegian Hanne Sørvaag who’s also behind Norway’s “My Heart Is Yours”, and Sofia seems to be a talented and professional artist. It all looks very neat in the promo video, but we question Sofia’s ability to recreate this live on stage. We’re afraid it will turn out a little boring and forgettable and that Georgia this year will be outshone by many of their competitors.

But hey, Sofia, go head and prove us wrong!

Your hard is ours

In Norway, we are still very high on ESC life after crushing all competitors thoroughly with our new national hero Alexander Rybak last year. Charming young guy really worked, so we are trying the same recipe again this year - with his buddy.

This year's entry is more of a classical ballad, and could have been sung by just about any country. Still, it is simple and down to earth, and that could work sometimes. There are sufficiently enough modulations and bridges. And the text is adorable. We mean, “You are like a sunset behind a mountain somewhere”? Didrik does his thing really well, being an aspiring opera singer and all. His smile is the one that can melt every desperate housewife’s (and quite a few housemen’s) heart and we do like his black’n white jacket and flirty eyes. It keeps us from wondering too much about whether he sings about his love or his dick (after all he is rehearsing pronunciation for the big final).

Yes, the setting is ESC worthy. One just have to love the smoke in the beginning and the fireworks in the end, as sent from heaven and perhaps going to hell. Oh Didrik, we will cherish your heart either way. We will be by your side and we will be charmed by you from here to eternity. Give us your smile and we’ll accept the cheesy parts. Because your hard is ours and we’ll take very good care of it.

Well, honestly Iceland, we don't know either

We love our Nordic neighbours Iceland and over the years since their debut in Bergen in 1986 they have actually done quite well. In fact, it’s one of the most successful ESC countries never to win the contest. Yohanna set a new standard last year with her amazing ballad “Is It True?”, and in our opinion, in the landslide of ballads in this years edition, not one entry is even close to compare.

We all know that Iceland has been running a bit low on the financial side lately. Perhaps that’s why they decided to recycle the song from 2008? Unfortunately they couldn’t afford to include the energy, colour and charisma Euroband with “This Is My Life” had in abundance back then. Come on, Iceland, we know your’re broke, but cheer up for crying out loud!
 
Hera Björk has a certain je ne sais quoi about her, and she has a good voice, but it's just a waste with this number. And why ramble away in a mix of English and French, when Iceland supposedly take such pride in preserving the Icelandic language? Give us something genuine, earthy, powerful, glowing and rugged, just bring it all out there, Europe would love it! This is just gloomy, outdated eurotrash and we just can’t be bothered. Next, please!

3 + 2 = 12?

We kinda like Belarus. The country that gave us our very own Alexander Rybak and the chance to invite Europe to come party with us in Oslo in May. Since their debut back in 2004 they have not been very successful, except from in 2007 when Dmitry Koldun worked his magic and pulled a sixth place up from his hat. 

So what will they bring this year? The group 3+2 with the Gary Moore rip off ”Far away”. Ok, whatever. Oh, but hang on, they changed their mind, as if this year´s contest doesn´t have enough booooooring ballads, here´s yet another one from Belarus! Ok, it´s actually not that bad. We are extremely enthusiastic about the animated butterflies in the promo video and we cannot wait to see how this will be done live in Telenor Arena. 

Shall we predict that Belarus with "Butterflies" will be one of the qualifiers from the first semi-final? Or did Belarus mess up when they ditched "Far Away"?