GEE's hotlist: Guide to talking Norwegian shit

If it looks like a tourist and acts like a tourist it probably is a tourist. And no one really wants to be a tourist. Here's a couple of one liners you could pull off to impress Norwegian hipsters with your local belonging. 


"I did have sexual relations with that man"
Norway was just approaching a diplomatic crisis as one of our handball blondies that are not actually a lesbian confessed to dirty business with the Swedish princess' thereafter ex fiancée, Jonas Bergström. Ball chick kissed and told, and she claimed to have done it for Madeleine's sake.We can hardly picture that, but she certainly didn't earn as much money on the message as she could have. Go ahead and give it a better try. Someone is bound to believe you.


"Who the fuck is Askil Holm?"
This question emerged as one not so exposed plus three overexposed Norwegian musicians picked up their guitars at the same time and every breath they drew was Hallelujah. No big surprise who really is the coolest of those guys, but hey, you're not supposed to know him.

"I experimented and tested"
No matter what you've done in your past, no matter what you end up doing while staying in Oslo and no matter where you want to go in your future. This line will get you through everything regardless of all previous expectations, and everyone will love you for it, especially if you shed a couple of tears throughout the utterance. You could even win the Crown Prince and half the kingdom, just ask Mette-Marit.

"Books aren't really culture"
If you are a 22 year old beautiful, newly elected politician of a party no one likes but everyone votes for, mind your words. Mette Hanekamhaug didn't when claiming books and culture were two very separate phenomenons, and by that making all guardians of high culture suffer from grand hysteria. We say go ahead, as long as you know that Eurovision is high culture at it's best.

"There is something wrong with the signals"
Norwegian trains aren't what they used to. Half of them are always running late, and it is always because of some error in the signal system. This sentence is now so worked into the mindset of the train travelers it has become the most accepted excuse in the country. Just remember that when you arrive late for your Eurovision date or rehearsal. Bad signals are always to blame.

"Maybe the king will arrive" 
In April one part of the duo Knudsen & Ludvigsen, largest heroes of everyone who has born after the 60s, passed away way too young while doing orienteering. Only to make sure everyone is in grief and that orienteering is not the most popular of sports at the moment. One of their best songs is translated to "Maybe the king will arrive", so if you want to make a Norwegian cry, ask them that. We think the king should arrive, because he is a cool fellow  - and so was Ludvigsen, God bless.

(Picture from nataliedee.com)

GEE's hotlist: Must-sees of Norway

Happy National Day and welcome to Norway. The country of hot Vikings and delicious blondes. Now don't spend your valuable Eurovision time wondering who to take home for breakfast. We already did the research for you. Here is our guide to the best 10 must-sees of the North.

Look into

Bjarte Hjelmeland
There is Ibsen and there is Bjarte Hjelmeland. Both theatre directors of the Bergen National Scene theatre and some of the coolest guys Norway has been able to breed. Bjarte is Mr Charming in person and represents everything good in this world. Meaning a warm heart, great acting talent and just such a nice smile. This is where our heart starts melting and our faghag mentality develops into obsession. Take a sneak peak, but we don't know if we'll be willing to share him.

Bjørn Opsahl

We do have a thing for hot photographers, and if they are good at their work too, that doesn't hurt. There's hardly anyone more stylish and yet so relaxed about it. We mean, who else could make those tacky bracelets look so cool? We even watched Norway's Next Top Model just for the look of this man. Bjørn mostly lives in LA, but he's the hipster king that hangs around the coolest spots whenever in Norway, so look deep into his lens if you see him there. He could be worth something real nice.

Robert Hedin
Ok, this guy is Swedish, but with the Norwegian Flag on his heart as the coach for the Norwegian national team in handball for men, he definitely has a place in our hearts. He's the impersonation of coolness and calmness as he leads his troops in battle against the best handball squads in the world. In the heat of the match he never loses his temper and even when the boys don't do well and lose, he patiently answers all questions afterwards and find positive things to point out. We are suckers for true gentlemen and this is what Robert is in every sense of the word. Lets play some ball!

Karl Ove Knausgård
A man whose at the age of 41 is about to publish an autobiographical novel in six volumes and a total of over 6000 pages must have something special. With "My Struggle 1-6" Knausgård has created an enormous fuzz around himself and his literary project which has no parallel in history here in Norway. We just can't get enough of this man and whether he describes life turning moments like the death of his father or proposing to his wife to be, or trivial stuff like boiling broccoli or making a cup of tea, readers hang on to every word and make it the biggest discussion topics by the water cooler at work. Forget about stupid sit coms and the latest gossip, you'll find most Norwegians with the nose deep into one of Knausgård's novels! Stick your nose into him as well.

Bjørn Erik Thon
This man really takes care of all of us as he is the Consumer Ombudsman. In every vulnerable state, whether shopping online or being stuck in ash traffic, it is nice to know that this charming fellow would help us claim our rights in this world. He's always behind you watching your back - just turn around and never ever turn again.
 pic: Bjørn-Eivind Årtun/Forbrukerombudet

Øystein Greni
Øystein has been singing about the prettiest girl in Oslo for a decade now. And still we're not tired of it. Because he is the prettiest boy in Oslo. We enjoy his contrasting personality of cokiness and sweetness, his blue voice, his skateboarding talent and his extreme musicality, and we don't know anyone who could hit falsetto while staying so sexy. This is Øystein Greni from Big Bang. If you're lucky enough to see him, there's nothing to do but to enjoy.


Look deep into

Ketil Høegh
Looking like a stud at the age of 54, Ketil is the George Clooney of the North. As an actor he has been charming us in a family drama at Eurovision broadcaster NRK recently, and towards the end he was the only quality left. But what a quality with his mysterious look, greyish shadow beard and fit body. That would even make us watch him as a tooth fairy at the Northern theater right now. We suspect he's single and he does know his intimate scenes, so if you meet him out somewhere, just put on your nicest smile and stay.
Pic: Hålogaland teater

John Olav Nielsen
He sings rocked up love songs of diamonds and cherries and valium and our favorite spots in Bergen in a dialect we just love. Now in our world, that is very hard to beat. Along comes hairdos Elvis would have envied, the sorest of voices and a rock attitude to be admired. Take him home, tie him to your bed, feed him cherries and just don't fuck up love. Pic nicked from Oslopuls (after all, this is rock'n roll).

Aksel Lund Svindal 
Norwegians are born with their skis on and no one can make the skies run faster than this guy! As one of Norway's greatest olympians and winter sport athletes he's not just a winner, but also a gentleman and a great role model. During competitions he's always professional to the bone, and has this special ability of being best when it really counts. One should think that this would make him arrogant and self-important, but even his rivals on the slopes like and respect him. With his laid back attitude and great sense of humor, what's not to like? Oh, and the best part, he's still single! Maybe not after Eurovision?

Reidar Hjermann
What sounds better to a woman's ear than a dark and handsome man who is responsible of taking care of all Norwegian children's rights? Nothing, we'd say. This man is sort of soft, sort of rough, sort of mysterious, sort of nice, sort of cultural, sort of politcal. And mostly yummm. Go hunt.

GEE's hotlist: Hotspots of Norway

Norway is not, as many people may think, the coldest place on earth. In fact we have a lot of hot on offer, and GEE shall give it to you in our hotlist. Let’s start out with the Norway hotspots - things not to be missed. 

Gressholmen

One of Oslo’s best hangouts in summer are the tiny islands just a 10 minute boat trip away from the downtown pier. In addition to fabulous swimming opportunity and nudist areas, this island has the most charming little café that sells beer and nice food both inside and outside. It looks just like cafes did 10 years ago. Just add the fact that this is the island of bunnies, and you get why we love it so much.

Snøhetta

We are talking mountain, not architects. Ok, so it is kinda cold up there, but nothing can beat the edginess of a mountain at over 2000 m altitude. Situated in the middle of the Dovre national park and with a great view of everything you need to see of mountainous Norway. If you’re lucky, you also get to see the moscus. Yay to large, hairy and kinda dangerous animals that produce perfume. Just don’t touch them – only stupid tourists do, or shall we say did?  

Tilt

Don’t you miss this fantastic bar that shares a building with concert venue Rockefeller. There is none better in town. Rockabilly music plays as superbarmen offer you their expertise in the best beer selection around while musical celebs watch your back. Play old arcade games at your table, visit the room dedicated to flipper games or wait till the bartender rings the bell and it’s your turn at the shuffle game. Oh, joy.

Posthallen

All Oslo fashionistas clapped both their hands and feet when the old postal building downtown was made into a fashion palace a couple of years ago. Our personal favorites are the shops Freudian kicks and Henrik Vibskov – both packed with fabulous clothes and nice people just ready to help you find the perfect outfit. Just add an organic hairdresser, the designer of Rybak's choir women dresses and a tempting chocolatier and what else do you really need?

Giant butplug sculptures

What better to welcome Eurovision crowds than a bunch of giant sculptures that resembles butplugs? Oslo has got plenty, for instance by the train station and at the airport. The airport even have a couple of lame pricks. Go hunt around for your favorite carved in stone and do whatever with it, as long as it comes out alive. Because Oslo does love it's butplugs.

Grønland
Grønland is the multi ethnic area of Oslo, packed with Pakistani restaurants, Turkish food stores, Indian fabric stores and Persian sweet shops. Unfortunately some new and expensive apartments were built to make sure Grønland is not quite what it used to, but still way better than most areas. There are in total three of the best coffee makers in town, Evita, here and you shouldn't miss the Saturday market below the bridge or the fab outside seating of rock star hangout Gloria Flames either.

Beaches of Jæren
If you suddenly jump over to the Southwestern part of Norway, make sure not to miss the beaches. There are none like them in Norway, with their amazing dunes of unspoilt nature. Just walk for hours along them or take a surfing or kiting class. Our favorite one is the beach of Bore, where they teach wave surfing and you can stay in a beautiful camping surrounded by silence and the coolest surfer dudes Norway has to offer. Enjoy.

Landmark
Bergen is not to be missed in a tour of Norway. This is where Norway's first ESC final ever was hosted, and where GEE first hooked up a decade ago. Catch up on the latest news on the hottest new bands surfing on the famous Bergen Wave, at Landmark. Tucked in among art museums and funky restaurants, always packed with stylish and beautiful, yet laidback people, shaking their booties to the latest music. Don't be surprised if you find half of Röyksopp behind his lap top spinning the tunes for you.