GEE's hotlist: Guide to talking Norwegian shit

If it looks like a tourist and acts like a tourist it probably is a tourist. And no one really wants to be a tourist. Here's a couple of one liners you could pull off to impress Norwegian hipsters with your local belonging. 


"I did have sexual relations with that man"
Norway was just approaching a diplomatic crisis as one of our handball blondies that are not actually a lesbian confessed to dirty business with the Swedish princess' thereafter ex fiancée, Jonas Bergström. Ball chick kissed and told, and she claimed to have done it for Madeleine's sake.We can hardly picture that, but she certainly didn't earn as much money on the message as she could have. Go ahead and give it a better try. Someone is bound to believe you.


"Who the fuck is Askil Holm?"
This question emerged as one not so exposed plus three overexposed Norwegian musicians picked up their guitars at the same time and every breath they drew was Hallelujah. No big surprise who really is the coolest of those guys, but hey, you're not supposed to know him.

"I experimented and tested"
No matter what you've done in your past, no matter what you end up doing while staying in Oslo and no matter where you want to go in your future. This line will get you through everything regardless of all previous expectations, and everyone will love you for it, especially if you shed a couple of tears throughout the utterance. You could even win the Crown Prince and half the kingdom, just ask Mette-Marit.

"Books aren't really culture"
If you are a 22 year old beautiful, newly elected politician of a party no one likes but everyone votes for, mind your words. Mette Hanekamhaug didn't when claiming books and culture were two very separate phenomenons, and by that making all guardians of high culture suffer from grand hysteria. We say go ahead, as long as you know that Eurovision is high culture at it's best.

"There is something wrong with the signals"
Norwegian trains aren't what they used to. Half of them are always running late, and it is always because of some error in the signal system. This sentence is now so worked into the mindset of the train travelers it has become the most accepted excuse in the country. Just remember that when you arrive late for your Eurovision date or rehearsal. Bad signals are always to blame.

"Maybe the king will arrive" 
In April one part of the duo Knudsen & Ludvigsen, largest heroes of everyone who has born after the 60s, passed away way too young while doing orienteering. Only to make sure everyone is in grief and that orienteering is not the most popular of sports at the moment. One of their best songs is translated to "Maybe the king will arrive", so if you want to make a Norwegian cry, ask them that. We think the king should arrive, because he is a cool fellow  - and so was Ludvigsen, God bless.

(Picture from nataliedee.com)

GEE's hotlist: Hotspots of Norway

Norway is not, as many people may think, the coldest place on earth. In fact we have a lot of hot on offer, and GEE shall give it to you in our hotlist. Let’s start out with the Norway hotspots - things not to be missed. 

Gressholmen

One of Oslo’s best hangouts in summer are the tiny islands just a 10 minute boat trip away from the downtown pier. In addition to fabulous swimming opportunity and nudist areas, this island has the most charming little café that sells beer and nice food both inside and outside. It looks just like cafes did 10 years ago. Just add the fact that this is the island of bunnies, and you get why we love it so much.

Snøhetta

We are talking mountain, not architects. Ok, so it is kinda cold up there, but nothing can beat the edginess of a mountain at over 2000 m altitude. Situated in the middle of the Dovre national park and with a great view of everything you need to see of mountainous Norway. If you’re lucky, you also get to see the moscus. Yay to large, hairy and kinda dangerous animals that produce perfume. Just don’t touch them – only stupid tourists do, or shall we say did?  

Tilt

Don’t you miss this fantastic bar that shares a building with concert venue Rockefeller. There is none better in town. Rockabilly music plays as superbarmen offer you their expertise in the best beer selection around while musical celebs watch your back. Play old arcade games at your table, visit the room dedicated to flipper games or wait till the bartender rings the bell and it’s your turn at the shuffle game. Oh, joy.

Posthallen

All Oslo fashionistas clapped both their hands and feet when the old postal building downtown was made into a fashion palace a couple of years ago. Our personal favorites are the shops Freudian kicks and Henrik Vibskov – both packed with fabulous clothes and nice people just ready to help you find the perfect outfit. Just add an organic hairdresser, the designer of Rybak's choir women dresses and a tempting chocolatier and what else do you really need?

Giant butplug sculptures

What better to welcome Eurovision crowds than a bunch of giant sculptures that resembles butplugs? Oslo has got plenty, for instance by the train station and at the airport. The airport even have a couple of lame pricks. Go hunt around for your favorite carved in stone and do whatever with it, as long as it comes out alive. Because Oslo does love it's butplugs.

Grønland
Grønland is the multi ethnic area of Oslo, packed with Pakistani restaurants, Turkish food stores, Indian fabric stores and Persian sweet shops. Unfortunately some new and expensive apartments were built to make sure Grønland is not quite what it used to, but still way better than most areas. There are in total three of the best coffee makers in town, Evita, here and you shouldn't miss the Saturday market below the bridge or the fab outside seating of rock star hangout Gloria Flames either.

Beaches of Jæren
If you suddenly jump over to the Southwestern part of Norway, make sure not to miss the beaches. There are none like them in Norway, with their amazing dunes of unspoilt nature. Just walk for hours along them or take a surfing or kiting class. Our favorite one is the beach of Bore, where they teach wave surfing and you can stay in a beautiful camping surrounded by silence and the coolest surfer dudes Norway has to offer. Enjoy.

Landmark
Bergen is not to be missed in a tour of Norway. This is where Norway's first ESC final ever was hosted, and where GEE first hooked up a decade ago. Catch up on the latest news on the hottest new bands surfing on the famous Bergen Wave, at Landmark. Tucked in among art museums and funky restaurants, always packed with stylish and beautiful, yet laidback people, shaking their booties to the latest music. Don't be surprised if you find half of Röyksopp behind his lap top spinning the tunes for you.