How hard is it really? Part 2, in which we trash talk Didrik

Twinkle, twinkle little star. How we wonder WHERE you are.

Here we are giving you some of the hottest men of Eurovision. They are sexy, shiny, twinkly, funny and just so damn nice. But why won't we give you Didrik, you might ask. Well certainly because Alexander Stenerud is a better Norwegian option. But also because, honestly, we don't know where Didrik is. And neither does the majority of the Norwegian press.

What goes around, wins around. That's the sentence of truth for most artists, and perhaps even more so for Eurovision participants. Most of them travel around Europe for months before the finals presenting themselves and getting to know their thereby rapidly growing group of fans. All the while Didrik stays at home mending his cars, talking to the local newspaper of 200 readers and being grumpy on his own blog. He's just mad at journalists for being interested and trash-talking his buddy, last years winner Alexander Rybak, to anyone who cares to listen. And his management is busy telling people Didrik is too busy to talk to them before the finals. The only thing our Eurovision star is doing in the media, it seems, is trying to pick up the Swedish contestant. 1-0 to Sweden and a lot of embarrassment to Didrik there.

So no Didrik for us and no Didrik for you. He had such a good starting point as Europe was getting acquainted with the charming young boys of Norway. He certainly represents both the looks and the fit bodies we love. Paired up with his confident flirtations with the camera what could have gone wrong? His hard was ours, for crying out loud. Yes, all the wet panties of Europe could have voted for Didrik's shiny eyes, but as he disappeared into the inner woods of Telemark, the fans probably turned to Harel Skaat instead. We do not blame them for a second. Because so do we. Watch out next week.

Our hard verdict:
This is so soft we can't even see it. A little twinkling of the eye to the big camera doesn't help much when Israel is on in every channel. Plus if Didrik actually have time to show up for the finals. Minus for just about everything else, including the lame website of typos someone decided to throw in our face a month before the final and Didrik's grumpy attitude. Shame on you, Didrik. You are not our winner after all. But hey, best of luck.

There is really nothing more to say about this sad, little fellow.

Warning! Croatian whiny femidoms approaching Oslo

A band name that reminds you of the 90s most misplaced products, the female condom and a white rapper, plus whiny women dressed in leopard? Nope, not much to thank Croatia for.

Starting off with a group of horribly dressed people out of key in 1993, Croatia has participated 17 times in the ESC. There has been misunderstood nostalgia, quite surprising screaming, bagpipes out of order and ethnonoise. No success there. With few exceptions Croatia is really just one long journey of oh so sad and angry people. Seriously, why don't you people cheer up a little instead of drama tripping and heart breaking all the time? What good does that make? No wonder you can't find love. Only once we've almost loved you - when you brought tango to town. Thank God for old, funky men that saves the day.

But you do keep going into land of hurt and sorrow. This year's entry is yet another whiny couple of gals with yet another song of misery. According to the lyrics, these are women that are no longer themselves, that surrenders and that have torn up souls. Oh, really? That's so charming. We don't like the leopard theme they are fronting or the fact that they wear Uggs in the introduction, we don't like the weak women they are praising and we don't really like their hurt voices. Don't like them, you could say our conclusion is. They are just as unnecessary as that female condom and white rapper their name reminds us of.

Guess Croatia is at its best when you spend your vacation there. But hey, you are very welcome so we can return your hospitality. Just remember to smile, and we might just like you a little more.

Weather report from Bosnia & Herzegovina

Bosnia & Herzegovina has given us lots of unforgettable Eurovision moments. It´s surreal to think back on their debut 17 years ago, when the Bosnian delegation barely made it out of Sarajevo on their way to Millstreet in Ireland. Since then BH has always been a strong contender to watch out for and we love Hari Mata Hari´s Lejla from 2006. Last year´s Bistro Voda with Regina made us love BH even more, and we were super excited about what they would bring to Oslo.

Ok, what´s the deal with all these guys from Balkan trying to sound like Eros Ramazotti? It´s just ridiculous, please stop! We´re disappointed to say the least, how is it possible to select such a boring, plain, bleak and unappealing song? Did we forget to mention boring? Half way trough we´re all like, please, just be done with it and put us out of our misery.

We are trying really hard to come up with something positive to mention here, but this number is not even funny. Perhaps apart from the fact that the song´s title is "Thunder and Lightning". It should have been called "Overcast With Light, Slightly Annoying, Rain Showers", or something.

If this travesty makes it trough to the final we will blame it solely on patriotic block voting.

The end is really, really near

OMG, who DID kill Kenny?

Let’s just be clear: Power ballads were a thing in the 90s. Even back then they were just our excuse to make out with silly boys down at the youth club. We are somewhat happy that Ukraine decided to cut the Phil Collins they first decided to go for, but to bring in Alannah Myles instead?? Not sure we get the idea.

Ukraine should be able to come up with something better. They’ve had Shady Ladies and Wild Dances and the most fantastic of them all, Verka Serduchka - everything so much more fun than the grumpy lady that will enter the stage this year. She sings like a girl in high school performing with the local band, trying to look very moved while the wind literally tries to blow dry her hair. Oh, so the end is near? Have to say we do believe you in this specific context. No further comment.

Only one plus here - we do love her dress. Reminding us of something Norwegian Fairytale designer Leila Hafzi could have made, it's actually one of the nicest frocks we have seen in this year's Eurovision pre selection round so far. Guess any blondehead could have worn it, though. 

Please figure out who killed the Ukrainian show, quit yelling and bring the brain back.

Dream on Malta!

The tiny island state Malta is big in Eurovision, we almost can´t believe they´ve never actually won! They have come pretty close a couple of times, and only the most horrible trouser suit in history stood between Malta and their long anticipated victory back in 2002.

It´s with good reason we have high expectations to what Malta will bring this year, and wow, there´s Liza Minelli on stage, splendid! Or is it Chiara who lost a few pounds and cut her hair? We can´t really tell, and after a while we´re far more concerned about trying to warn Liza/Chiara or whatever about the, eh... poultry creature behind her. That thing looks nasty!

It´s such a shame that Malta can´t manage to send something better than this. This is after all one of the countries that takes Eurovision very seriously, something we of course support and appreciate. This year they had 20 entries in their national selection final and still they end up with... this? It makes us wonder about the televoters in Malta. It surely must be a bunch of retired people, because the song they have selected can only be summed up in one word. Yawn!

We refuse to give up on you Malta! Fingers crossed for next year, too bad the ESC final won´t be in Valetta in 2011 either!

Ik ben versmurfed

Seriously? Like, seriously Netherlands??? The clocks have ringed ding-a-dong more than a couple of times since 1975, but this seems to have gone unnoticed in Tulip Town. The Dutch used to rule in Eurovision during it´s early ages but that was then and this is now and since their last victory in the 70´s they have absolutely nothing to show for. Nada, rien, niente, niets, ingenting!

It makes you wonder why they even bother to participate, surely it must be better to be spared the humiliation. It´s just outright embarrassing to watch poor Sieneke on stage. She looks completely lost in the fairground and judging by her singing she has taken a ride on the merry go round at least a couple of times too many. Whoever came up with the bright idea of asking Vader "Smurf Song" Abraham to write the Dutch entry should seriously be sacked. Perhaps you need to smoke something to dig this shit?

It´s like the Dutch are in the process of refining the recipe for failure to perfection. We thought rock bottom had been reached by far with the granddads last year, but somehow they manage to top The Toppers, this year´s entry is even worse!

Seriously Netherlands, take a long, hard look at yourselves. To smurf or not to smurf, that´s the question. The answer is no.

Oh, sweet horror of Russia

We have one confession that is easy to make – we truly have a thing for hot, Eastern European men. That’s why we are so deadly disappointed with Russia this year.

It is the country that gave us Dima Bilan. You know, that amazing young thing that never never wanted to let us go in 2006 and believed he could do it all while being surrounded by an ice dancer in 2008 - with a fantastic rerun as an angel in Russia 2009. He surely did do us all, and we loved him oh so very much.

Yes, Dima made us believe in Russia like no one before him. Female equivalents Ta:tu and Serebro didn’t hurt either. But this year’s entry? It hurts more than the morning after two bottles of Stoli. What on earth was going through the Russians’ mind when decided to send a Pavarotti wannabe in his most horrible shirt who hasn’t cut his hair or shaved or done anything to his eyebrows of horror for a decade along with a bass player from the worst of the 80’s, a player of the unmentionable brass instrument and a trashy guitar player who even decides to start talking at some point there? The same bottles of Stoli times two, we’d say. At least the guitar player has the right question: What are you doing, man?

This is beyond pompous. It is a song not worthy of the great nation of Tsars and Faberge eggs. It made us feel sorry for Dima and our own Alexander Rybak who actually had to give this guy a diploma. We so wish Peter Nalitch really was lost and forgotten. We wish we were able to forget about him. We even wanted to support Reagan in outlawing Russia for a while there. But then we remembered Dima.

So please, Dima, Lord of Mercy, come back and take us out of this misery. Because we want the Russian stud again. And we know you can give it to us.

Please, take it back

Ireland’s achievements in this competition is beyond compare. No country is even close to matching their seven victories, including three consecutive victories in the 90’s, and numerous podium finishes since their debut in 1965. But since the turn of the millennium it has gone downhill with the Irish, and they literally hit rock bottom when finishing last in the final in 2007, followed by Dustin the Turkey the year after. Eire had officially lost it completely.

Can Irish ESC greatness ever be restored? Or will they forever be out conquered by Eastern European block voting? Well, instead of trying to come up with something new and make a real effort to adjust to the contemporary format of the competition, they dig up their old recipe for success from the 90’s. Bad idea. Niamh Kavanagh is in our opinion one of the worst winners in history. The winner from 1993 represents the tastelessness of that decade which makes us cringe and wish it never actually happened. What on earth were we thinking back then? OK, at least it gives us a good laugh.

Niamh’s 2010 entry is however not a laughing matter, it just makes us sad. The song is boring and completely outdated and her outfit is absolutely ghastly. If she keeps this dress in Oslo, she will at least win one award, The Barbara Dex Award, which ironically enough was established the same year as Niamh won in Millstreet.

So Niamh, thank you for giving this song to us. We know you mean it well. But please, take it back. And return to the 90´s where you belong.

DJ, please take me away…. from this!

It’s pretty clear to us that we have a hard time understanding whatever the Bulgarians are up to in this competition. The ethnic drums in 2007 were kinda cool, and kudos for the brave reggae mash-up the year after, even tough it didn’t really work live on stage. But their tendency to choose pompous, self absorbed and over pretentious men/women with crappy songs we really can’t get our head around, and this year they’ve done it again!

Dear Bulgaria, here’s a piece of advise for you. Maybe you should consider putting more work into Miro’s performance than his hairdo? Unless there’s something seriously wrong with his legs it would be nice to at least see him standing up. It just looks completely ridiculous not being bothered to get his ass off that bar stool, did he order one too many from the bar that night or what? We suppose that this is something that will be corrected, or should we say erected, before his performance in Oslo. And while you’re at it, please wipe the smug look off his face, and give the man some decent lyrics, oooooooooooooo ooooooooooo ooooooooooo constitutes like 70 % of the song? Wtf? That is, if this Miro is even capable of learning the lyrics by heart, cause half trough his performance it looks like he needs to take a sneak peak at the text to be able to go on singing. Hello, anybody home?

Give us a break Bulgaria, and come back with something better next year!

Well, honestly Iceland, we don't know either

We love our Nordic neighbours Iceland and over the years since their debut in Bergen in 1986 they have actually done quite well. In fact, it’s one of the most successful ESC countries never to win the contest. Yohanna set a new standard last year with her amazing ballad “Is It True?”, and in our opinion, in the landslide of ballads in this years edition, not one entry is even close to compare.

We all know that Iceland has been running a bit low on the financial side lately. Perhaps that’s why they decided to recycle the song from 2008? Unfortunately they couldn’t afford to include the energy, colour and charisma Euroband with “This Is My Life” had in abundance back then. Come on, Iceland, we know your’re broke, but cheer up for crying out loud!
 
Hera Björk has a certain je ne sais quoi about her, and she has a good voice, but it's just a waste with this number. And why ramble away in a mix of English and French, when Iceland supposedly take such pride in preserving the Icelandic language? Give us something genuine, earthy, powerful, glowing and rugged, just bring it all out there, Europe would love it! This is just gloomy, outdated eurotrash and we just can’t be bothered. Next, please!